The Harvard Lampoon
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Scan day: 08 February 2014 UTC
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Description: Official site. All the humor that's fit to print.
February, 2014 || Issue editor: MCZ '14 I thought my life was over when my doctor told me I had vaginal maggots. You’d think I’d burst into tears, but I actually burst into laughs. They say that’s a common reaction to tragic news. Also, what’s more ticklish than vaginal maggots? That’s when my doctor recommended an anteater. I was a little nervous when he first brought it in, but I relaxed once I felt its paws resting on my thighs. Once he started licking the maggots off...my god. The tenderness. He only paused to coat that slender tongue in K-Y Warming Jelly. When he came back, it was like spring settling on my labia after an endless winter. Letting an anteater go down on me changed my life. I gained the courage to break up with my boyfriend, who just looked like a giant, hairless, runt-of-the-litter anteater which a less compassionate breeder would’ve slaughtered. I used to lie awake at night, but now I sleep soundly knowing the bed bugs are quietly preparing me for my next visit. When they fail me, I just smash an ant farm on my lap. Ask your doctor about anteaters. If you’re anything like me, just saying the word produces a pleasant tingling. Anteaters. Ant. Eaters. Anteaters.
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| Date | Creation Date: 27-jul-2001 Expiration Date: 27-jul-2017 |